She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
