I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
