At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
