my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i would punch a child for taco bell
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
