I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
