So drunk its hurt
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
