she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm way too hungover for life right now