i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?