Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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