Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
