I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
