It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
