I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
