There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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