As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
