Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
