dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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