then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
