Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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