I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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