i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
