Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
