can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
