If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
