do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
