I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
someone owes me an orgasm
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
