She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
