you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
