the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
