She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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