If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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