her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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