Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
