every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
