I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
