I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
