new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
