I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
