I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
