Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
