i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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