me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
