No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
