hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
