im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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