Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
