life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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