they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
