You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
