there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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