I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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