Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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