I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Houston, we have a blender
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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